Goodbyes
by keru.m
Summary: What if Mac had not returned to JAG? Another  mostly  uncomplicated AU lark. Just suspend disbelief and enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Goodbyes**

A/N: Okay. You'll have to read this author's note carefully because I've changed stuff around compared to the actual timeline. First, pretend that Mac met Dalton and resigned some time after her Article 32 following her husband's reappearance in her life. Also pretend that the admiral was more severe in punishing Mac for getting herself in a situation that merited an admiral's mast. So, to recap: Mac's husband reappears and then dies. She has that Article 32 plus admiral's mast. Then some time after that Mac meets Dalton and resigns from JAG. Then, Harm gets himself in that situation where he ends up being a fugitive from the law and shows up at Mac's apartment (People v Rabb).

Why change the timeline, you ask? Well, I'd initially watched the episodes out of order, and it made sense to me that Mac had this hidden past before we got to know her better. The other way around still doesn't make sense to me, but what do I know I didn't produce the show. All else aside, this way just fits my story better.

Let's say this story starts about mid-season 4. This way Harm's dad issues are resolved, and it's enough time for the two to fight an attraction and settle into status quo.

Did any of the above make sense? If it didn't, fear not, you can still read on. It's not that long a story.

As always, your feedback is much appreciated, especially since the last two chapters are still incomplete and your comments will help me tweak them.

This story picks up right after Mac successfully defends Harm. In the actual episode (People v Rabb), she wants her job at JAG back. In this story, not so much.

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**Goodbyes 1/?**

"Well done, Ms MacKenzie." The admiral gave Mac a curt nod. He did not wait for a response before turning to Harm. "Commander, I will see you in my office in ten minutes."

"Yes, Sir." Harm replied, still savouring the relief of this particular victory.

The admiral turned on his heel and walked out of the court room. Mac watched him go, and Harm studied Mac.

"He's still mad at me," She said.

"He's thawing," Harm assured her. A white lie, but a forgivable one. "He just took it personally."

She sighed, her eyes roaming the well-worn courtroom fixtures and furniture. The longing in her was palpable.

"Admit it," He tried not to goad, "You've missed this."

"I did."

"So you'll come back?" He asked, trying to mask his eagerness. He'd suspected that, once back in the courtroom, the pull would be too hard for her to resist. "Ask the admiral, I'm sure he wouldn't refuse, Mac. This place hasn't been the same. Hell, he's been walking around like a bear with a sore tooth since you left - you saw it yourself."

She didn't respond. Her glance slid to the courtroom doors. "You ever feel like you're playing it safe?" She was not looking at him, instead still watching the doors as they slid shut behind the last of the audience members to leave the courtroom.

"This is about you spreading your wings." He sighed. Stubborn woman.

"I feel like ever since I dried out, joined the Marines, I've been playing it safe. Making the comfortable decisions." She paused, shrugged. "And before that, I don't even know who I was. It's like the world is suddenly opening up all these opportunities. Possibilities."

"But you hate it at Dalton's firm."

She looked at him in surprise. "I've never told you that."

"I know you, Mac." He let his gaze linger on her, the way the afternoon light fell across her cheek. She felt so far away. "I can see it in your eyes."

She bit back a smile. Annoying as he could be, he was right and she knew it. "I do hate it. I sent out applications and resumes to other firms, though. Something more up my alley."

"You did?" He couldn't hide his surprise. This was all coming out of left field, and he couldn't wrap his mind around it. He was sure she'd come back to JAG. "Does Dalton know?"

"Dalton is not my keeper."

"But you two are..." He couldn't find a word that didn't leave a sour taste in his mouth. "...Involved."

"It's not that serious, Harm, that I would run my life plans by him."

And yet you're talking to me about it, he thought.

"I've never felt like this," Her eyes sparked, her smile flashed, "So ... free."

A deep worry clawed at his gut. He was afraid that she would end up floating away, unmoored from anything that tied her to this world, without the structure, the rules that her kept her on the straight and narrow since she turned nineteen. He didn't know how he felt about this side of her ... no, he did know how he felt. It was like trying to contain lightning. What would she be without the uniform? Would he recognize her?

"How did your Uncle feel about you leaving the Marines?" He cleaved for a way to make her reconsider.

"He was okay with it, I think. I wrote to him and he wrote back. But he can be so hard to get a read on. He isn't the best communicator."

He watched her, not able to process how she could give this life up.

She caught his stare. "You don't understand, do you?"

He shook his head, and then shrugged, giving up. Since when had she been predictable anyways. "You have to do what you have to do, Mac."

"That's not an answer."

"Why do you need me to understand?" He was getting upset.

For an instant, the adventure left her, replaced by a heart-rending vulnerability. "I don't want to lose my friends because of this."

He took a moment to answer, not sure if he wanted to reassure her.

"We're friends with you, Mac, not the uniform."

"I can't help shake that I'm betraying you all," She said, looking insecure, worried.

He didn't want to talk her into leaving, to convince her it was okay. So he kept silent. He really had thought she just needed to get all this out of her system, and then she would be back. He wasn't usually wrong about these things.

"I'll explain it to you one day," She promised, placing a hand on his arm. "When I figure out how."

He gave his eyes leisure to roam her face, soaking in the sight. Who knew when he would get another chance.

And I will understand what you're trying to say, he silently promised, when I figure out how.

"Do me a favour." She said, looking him square in the eye.

"Name it." He straightened at the chance for something he could hold on to, within the enigma she was presenting him with.

"Keep in touch. You aren't the best communicator either, and I don't want to lose sight of you." She hesitated. "I can't shake the feeling that you and I..." She searched his eyes. "We still have some pages to fill..."

The strange thing was, he couldn't shake that feeling either.

"You won't lose us," He told her. He put his hand out, and then changed his mind and pulled her in for a hug. He did not understand why goodbyes were so hard with this woman. You won't lose me, he wanted to say, but it seemed too much, it seemed more than he should tell a woman dating another man.

"Let me walk you out," He offered, extending this farewell.

"Actually," She smiled up at him, "If you do that you'll be late for your meeting with the admiral."

"Oh, right," He said, thoroughly disappointed. "Id forgotten about that." The last time she left, when she'd climbed into Lowne's car, he'd known she would come back. He would see her again, and she would be the same person he'd become good friends with. This time, he wasn't so sure. He felt as though he was losing his footing, walking over crumbling grounds. "Take care, Sarah."

"Keep in touch, Harm."

"I will."

She put her hand out. "Don't make a promise you can't keep."

He took her hand in his, giving a firm shake. He grinned. "I haven't yet."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own

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**Goodbyes 2/?**

_Two weeks later…_

Harm stared at the phone on his desk. It would be as easy as picking up the receiver, hitting nine for an outside line, and dialing her number. He shifted his eyes back to the folder in front of him, chastising his wandering attention. He had a mountain of paperwork to go through, and at least half this mountain was in fact Mac's fault, because he'd had to pick up her slack once she left. Besides what would he say to her? How would he justify the call? He had no excuse to call her. He didn't even have her work number. Hell, he didn't know if she was still at the Clown's firm or if one of those interviews she had lined up panned out. She was living a new life out there, probably spending her lunch breaks shopping for the next thing in designer footwear. It was probably not even the right time to call her. Promises notwithstanding.

He should concentrate on his work. This pile wasn't going to clear itself.

And yet he was possessed by the distracting urge to call her, an urge that had been tunneling through his concentration since this morning. One that had crested periodically these past two weeks. He was just finding it especially difficult to think of anything else on this particular day.

His glance again slid towards the phone on his desk. He shook his head to clear it, before he let himself get any more distracted.

"Hey, Sailor."

Harm looked up to see Mac framed by his office door.

Well, wasn't this a sight for sore eyes. He smiled. His irrepressible need to call Mac had apparently conjured up this very lovely vision in his doorway. He stared at her before she disappeared. She was wearing a light grey suit, with a skirt that ended two fingers higher than her military issue. Her shirt had the top two buttons undone, and he could see her delicious collarbone in full relief. If she looked this good in civilian business attire, he supposed he could see some benefits to her rather misguided decision to leave the military.

"Harm?" The apparition asked. "Are you alright, Harm?" She was frowning with concern, and took a step into his office.

He jumped out of his chair, almost toppling his monstrous pile of paperwork. "Mac!" He exclaimed, realizing it really was her and trying to cover his embarrassment. "What-" He stopped himself before he made more of a fool of himself. Luckily, he'd always been quick at playing it cool. He gave her his best smile, the one that had no effect on her, and stepped around to the front of desk.

"Gracing our humble offices again?" He teased.

"I had to have a word with the admiral," She replied, watching him carefully. "And I wanted to ask you out to lunch."

His ears perked up. "A word with the admiral?" Did she come to ask for her job back? The thought sparked a flicker of hope.

"I'll tell you about it over lunch," She bargained.

Lunch. Of all the days for her to show up with such a tempting offer. "I can't, Mac. I'm due in court."

She shrugged, as though it was no big deal, almost relieved, and in the tiny lift of her shoulders he felt her slip further away from him.

"No problem," She replied, "Rain check?"

"How about dinner instead?" He offered quickly, not liking her cavalier attitude. He wouldn't let her go so easily. "Tonight?"

She hesitated for a moment, just a brief instant, before agreeing. "Deal."

Why the hesitation, he wondered. Either she didn't have good news for him, or she was considering blowing off her plans with Dalton tonight for him. The first thought was as worrying as the second was satisfying. His curiosity, as was usually the case, got the better of him.

"What is it?" He asked.

She considered him for a moment, before closing the office door behind her. She settled into one of the visitor's chairs in front of his desk, and levelled him with an appraising glance.

"I came to see the admiral today because I had some paperwork to complete," She told him.

"Paperwork?" He played it cool. This was it. Paperwork to do with her reinstatement.

"Yeah," She was watching him too carefully. "Remember I told you I was looking for work in areas that were of more interest to me?"

He nodded in encouragement. He told himself he wouldn't rub it in too much, when she told him she'd changed her mind about JAG.

"Well," She smiled, sounding both excited and awed. "I had an interview at the State Department, at the Office of the Legal Advisor last week, and just yesterday I was officially hired! The pay isn't nearly as good as what Dalton's firm was offering, but the work is much more interesting. Right now, I'm advising on a treaty dispute with…" She trailed off, just a bit self-conscious, no doubt because he was gaping at her. "Well, I wanted to tell you about it over lunch. I can tell you over dinner instead…" She ended the sentence lamely, not quite able to look him in the face.

He tried to school the expression on his face from incredulity to something a bit more supportive. But he was having a hard time figuring out what the hell she was saying to him.

"So you're not coming back?" He was sure he'd missed something, misunderstood her.

"That's why I'm here." She sighed, glancing in the direction of the admiral's office. "The admiral held off on processing my resignation" A sudden steely glint of determination lit her eyes, just as a sudden lead weight dropped in Harm's gut. He knew that look of hers – the stubborn I'll-prove-you-wrong look. She was not going to change her mind. He was trying to grapple with her unexpected news, to figure out what the hell was wrong with her, for god's sake, that she would throw all this away.

And through it all, he felt utterly betrayed.

"He thought I'd want to come back." She continued, her voice gaining strength. "Much as you do." That was directed at him with a definite challenge. "You both seem to have little faith in me and my ability to make decisions for myself."

He just kept staring at her, wanting to shake her. All this time, he thought he knew her. But this curve-ball … what was happening to her? He knew she was making the worst mistake of her life, a stupid decision. This was the admiral's fault, for assigning her shitty cases since her Article 32, for mishandling her. His fault and Lowne's.

"Yeah, well." Harm managed to say, not trusting himself to say anything more. He could feel his temper getting the better of him, and was having a hard time not lashing out at her.

"Since my Article 32 and Admiral's Mast," She continued, "I've felt … useless. I honestly thought it would be a service to him and the corps, to open up the room for a senior attorney he wouldn't think twice about assigning high profile cases to. And I thought it would be good for me, too."

He shook his head, thinking Mac just didn't have it in her to stomach the punishment for her mistakes. It was going to pass, this period of crap cases and administrative assignments. She'd underestimated the admiral, she'd misunderstood him, misunderstood everything. But even though he was not in the mood to delve deeper into the issue with the brick wall sitting in front of him, his temper got the better of him.

"Come on, Mac. It wasn't so bad. I thought Marines were made of tougher stuff. The admiral may have been a bit hard on you, but that was his way of…" He trailed off, too upset to continue. To hell with it. Whatever. Nothing he could say would convince her.

"Punishing me," She finished his dangling thought. "I'm not complaining about it, Harm. In fact, it was probably the push I needed to do something."

"I'm sure Dalton helped," His mouth shot of before his filter could engage.

"His firm did make a very tempting offer." There was a forced patience in her tone, like the rattling lid on a pressure cooker.

"And what did Dalton have to say about you leaving his firm for another?"

"I'm leaving the firm, not him," She pointed out, her tone was again forcibly patient, "He's happy for me." She studied him for a moment. "He's not a bad guy, Harm." She shrugged, a shy glimmer in her eye, a slight colour on her cheeks, the hint of a smile. She looked incredibly attractive in that moment. "He can actually be really sweet."

And Harm thought he was going to be sick.

"I don't see it, Mac." He very helpfully burst her little bubble. Someone needed to bring her back to reality. She was falling for Dalton's lifestyle, not for him. Weekends in New York and the Porsche.

"You haven't given him a chance," She got defensive again.

Couldn't she see that she was worth more than all the gaudy baubles and meaningless luxuries Lowne could throw her way?

Her cell phone rang, preventing Harm from pushing the issue further. She fished it out of her purse and checked the caller ID before giving Harm an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, I have to take this."

"No problem," He told her, already decided that they were going to pick this up where they'd left off once she was done with her call, or maybe at dinner tonight.

She turned her back to him as she answered the call, putting the phone to her ear. "Hi," Her voice softened, with that lilt women used when talking to men they're interested in. That would probably be Lowne the Clown on the other end of the line, Harm thought. Figures.

He leaned back against his desk and picked up a file lying at the top of the mountainous pile next to him. He opened it randomly and looked at the words, trying to give her the semblance of privacy.

"Yeah," Mac said into the phone, "I just finished up with the admiral … Mmm … My papers should be processed by end week. There were a couple of minor issues … Definitely…"

Harm could hear her smile, even as his head was bent over the file he was reading with anything but studious concentration.

"That sounds like a great way to celebrate," She continued, a hint of regret entering her tone. Only a hint. "But I can't tonight."

Harm perked up at hearing that, hazarding a peek at her. Her attention was focused on the phone call. She was standing in his doorway, idly fingering a groove in the old wooden door frame of his office, oblivious to the fact that he was right there, practically next to her.

"I'm having dinner with Harm…"

Harm held his breath, perversely hoping that Dalton would get upset about their dinner date.

"Don't know," She continued, her tone still pleasantly conversational. Harm's expression fell. So much for Dalton seeing him as a threat. The man clearly had no problem with his girlfriend hanging out with attractive members of the opposite sex. Harm hadn't thought their relationship was that secure, or that Dalton was the type who shared his toys.

"No later than ten, I would guess…" She laughed at whatever Dalton's reply was, a soft, sensuous laugh he hadn't known she was capable of. He forced his head back into his file.

"I will take you up on that, Dalton," She replied, her tone flirty and mischievous. "See you tonight."

An unfamiliar jab of envy pierced his gut. He focused on the file in front of him. It was silly to have such thoughts about Mac. Just because she now dressed in civvies and had no regs to cage her. So what. Just because she didn't really even look like Diane, as it turned out. And she wasn't such a hardass after all. All of that did not mean it would suddenly, finally be okay to think of her as-

"I'll see you for dinner tonight?" Her voice snapped him out of thoughts. She was standing in front of him. Close enough to touch.

He gave her a wide grin and a wink. Falling back to charm when she threw him off kilter was a tried, tested and true strategy. "Wouldn't miss it. How about you come over to my place at around 1900? I'll make you dinner."

"That's perfect" She replied giddily. "I haven't had a home-cooked meal in what seems like ages."

"Great," He stood taller. Here was something he could do for her that Dalton couldn't. The Clown may have had an unlimited credit line, but he could dazzle Mac when it came to food. He stood up, now closer still to her, and put a hand on her shoulder. It was an odd sensation, to touch her like this. It wasn't their standard operating procedure to share a touch so easily. But she was not in uniform anymore.

"Bring your appetite, MacKenzie."

"I will," She replied, smiling back at him through her evident confusion. She patted his hand somewhat awkwardly, and then turned to walk out of his office and JAG HQ. Harm wondered if it was for the last time.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own

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**Goodbyes 3/?**

_That night..._

Mac leaned her head back against the couch, lending half an ear to Harm, warming her hands on a steaming cup of coffee. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment, feeling sated, content. She had really missed Harm's cooking, almost as much as she'd missed just talking to him. Since she'd started seeing Dalton, there had been some ... tension. Tension that had skyrocketed when she'd told Harm she was resigning from the Marines, from JAG.

Harm resented her choice to leave, she knew, and it'd cast a shadow over the last few weeks. It was funny, really, how Dalton had taken her news of leaving the firm a lot better than Harm had taken her news of leaving JAG. He'd tried to be supportive, as much as he could given that he was somewhat in denial. Or at least he had been in denial until this afternoon when she'd taken steps to permanently sever herself from the Corps. The admiral and Harm had both thought - and, she suspected, still thought on some level - that this was just something she needed to get out of her system, a phase she would ride out. Something Dalton had lured her into doing.

It was a bitter realization to come to, that they had such little faith in her. Likely all due to the dirty truth about her past coming to light when Chris had shown up. Mac had hoped that she'd gained enough regard in their eyes since her arrival that they would know she'd grown past her mistakes. But then, there really was nothing so easily destroyed as a good reputation. She had learned a valuable lesson though, and after years of running from her fears, avoiding her insecurities, she was going to face them head on. And the truth of the matter was that the military had been her safe choice, her escape. The world out there, without regimented order, without the security of the life she'd always known ... she wanted to prove to herself that she could do it. She could live a good life out there. She was strong enough to overcome her past.

It was a terrifying, exhilarating prospect. At the moment, more exhilarating than terrifying, really. She was genuinely enjoying the course her life was taking: a challenging new job, a hot new romance, dinner with Harm.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd been this ... happy.

If only she could explain all that to Harm, make him understand what it meant to her to leave the Corps. Explain what her relationship to Dalton meant to her. Dalton was the type of man - intelligent, successful, unencumbered - that she never thought she could have. And he wanted her. She still thought she would wake up and find that all this had been a dream. It wasn't even that she was all that serious about Dalton. She didn't think, frankly, that they had a long term relationship in their future, but he made her feel good and she had fun with him. Those were two things that had been sorely lacking in her life when she'd joined the Marines. The Marines had only given her the first. The second, she hadn't had much of in far too long.

Harm wouldn't understand the heady sense of freedom that now greeting her every morning. She loved her new job, the responsibilities she was given at work, the senior position at the State Department. She'd even enjoyed her time at Dalton's firm … well, she'd enjoyed some of her time there, and the paycheque definitely hadn't hurt. She'd earned in one day at his firm what she used to survive on for one month - if she was lucky - back when she was sixteen.

Her new position, though, just had her giddy in the mornings. Some of her new co-workers were even fun to be around. All of a sudden, she had this promising new life, an engaging new social circle. She couldn't believe it was all real, let alone convince Harm how great it was. How liberating. When she'd joined the Marines, it had saved her no doubt. But an alcoholic runaway didn't have many career choices to pick from. This here, what she had now, this was the stuff of dreams. How on earth could she pass that up? … Even if the transition into civilian life wasn't always so smooth...

"Hey, you still with me?"

She opened her eyes, startled out of her thoughts to find Harm watching her wearing a bemused expression.

"Am I putting you to sleep?" He teased.

She laughed with slight embarrassment to be caught so off guard. "Sorry, Harm. A lot on my mind, I guess."

"Want to talk about it?" He offered.

She wasn't sure she did. But she'd promised herself she would stop running from tough situations and face them head-on instead.

"You still think I'm making the wrong decision, don't you." She grabbed the bull by the horns.

"I just want to make sure you're thinking this through." He was quick to answer. "It can seem pretty tempting at first..."

"I didn't do it for the paycheque, Harm, and I didn't do it for Dalton." She could tell from the way he lifted his eyebrow that he didn't believe her. "I'm doing this for me. I never had the opportunity to contemplate any life beyond the military. I didn't have choices. Joining the Marines was the only way I'd get an education, a job, three square meals a day. I just want to see what I'm capable of, now that I can."

"You had a great career going for you in the Marines, Mac. How was that not proof of what you were capable of?"

She sighed, a bit dejected that he wasn't trying to understand.

"Look," She moved to end the line of conversation. "I know you're upset with me and aren't in a mood to listen-"

"I'm not upset with you."

"- but I really don't want to fight with you on this. Let's table this for now, okay? I just need you to have a bit of faith in me, accept that I know what I'm doing. I can make decisions for myself-"

"I'm not doubting you!" He exclaimed.

"It seems like you are, Harm."

He huffed with slight discontent. He was silent for a few very long seconds, clearly not happy with what she was asking of him.

"Fine." He finally said. "I'm just going to try and accept that this is the right thing for you to do."

"Thank you, Harm." Her relief, her gratitude was immeasurable. "It means a lot to me."

"Don't thank me yet," He gave a rueful smile. "I said I'd try. I didn't make any promises."

"That's all I ask for," She assured him, willing to settle for this for the moment. She also didn't have time for a drawn out discussion on the topic. It was fast approaching 2200 hours and she was going to be late in meeting Dalton. He had plans for dessert, and given the gastronomic feasts she'd enjoyed since they'd begun dating, she was pretty excited about whatever he had up his sleeve.

"I should get going." She placed her cup on the coffee table and stood up, making her way to Harm's front door. "We both have work tomorrow."

Harm followed her and helped her with her coat, his large palms smoothing the jacket over her shoulders.

"Thanks for dinner, Harm." She turned around and gave him a warm smile. When would she see him next? Given Harm's almost pathological inability to keep in touch with her, she knew she was going to have to take the lead on this. She decided to call him next week and offer to take him out to dinner as thanks for the home-cooked meal he'd made for her tonight.

"You're welcome. We should do this again." He looked at her with the same expression he'd worn when they'd said goodbye outside JAG, the same expression he'd worn in the courtroom two weeks ago.

She wanted to tell him that he didn't need to look at her in that way. She wasn't going anywhere. They were still friends. But Harm didn't like openly intimate conversations.

"Definitely," She said instead. "I owe you a dinner."

"You don't owe me," He smiled his infamous smile, but his eyes held a soft glow of fondness, "It was great to spend time with you."

"Well, I'll go." She tucked her hands into her coat pockets, not knowing what to do with them, unsettled by how he was looking at her.

"Goodnight, Sarah." He wrapped her in a hug, kissed her cheek. "Call me when your schedule settles, and we'll get together."

She returned his hug, taken aback by his uncharacteristic show of affection. He'd done it at JAG, too, in his office this afternoon. She liked this side of him. It was so … charming.

"Goodnight, Harm," She replied, her forehead resting against his warm shoulder for a moment, before she pulled away and left his apartment to go meet with Dalton.


End file.
